- by Serdar Hararovich
I do not believe in monogamy. I also do not believe in non-monogamy. I do not believe there is a right way to do connection. What I DO believe in, is Intentionality. I believe in co-creating security, emotional safety, and healthy communication.
Is monogamy your authentic truth? That's beautiful. Security & emotional safety are so important. However, monogamy does not automatically = security or emotional safety. There are many couples in a monogamous partnership, Who have rarely ever felt truly secure with each other.
Security & emotional safety comes from consistency, trust, healthy communication skills & setting clear agreements, Not just the word you attach to something. Also, non-monogamy is not the "evolved" way to do connection. For some people, it's a beautiful way of relating and perfect for them. For others though, its a traumatic re-enactment of their early life experiences: Experiences where they had to get used to emotional neglect, inconsistency, unreliability, and never truly being able to rely on another person.
No matter how much we may want to transcend our humanity, The fact that we are communal animals that need emotional safety, that need consistency & attachment to others, will never go away. Not only that but these human, grounded, earthly parts of us are what makes life
so magical.
Love is an expression of our biological need to connect with others. Without our human needs for attachment & bonding, love wouldn't exist.
Love motivates us to get closer to others, to attach, to deepen into intimacy and form emotional bonds that help us to thrive. The desire to 'purify' love from attachment often comes from ideologies with shame at their core: Shame about our needs, our humanity, the deep vulnerability of depending on others.
It's understandable that people who couldn't rely on others may develop these coping mechanisms: To come to believe we must rely on ourselves, and not be attached, makes total sense when we had no other option as a child. Many of us had to learn how to get by with the bare minimum - with no safety, no consistency, never feeling truly seen, heard and loved.
But this is not enlightenment - it's a response to trauma and neglect. Human beings do need each other, and we need to feel safely attached to each other to thrive. And yes, we also need to be able to meet some of our own needs. To stop trying to control each other when things don't go our way, or when our needs aren't getting met. To learn the difference between boundaries and controlling people. To learn the difference between inter-dependency and codependency.
These things are a major focus on in our upcoming course: healthy, collaborative, adult relating skills. Because the balance between truly honouring our attachment needs, AND allowing others to be autonomous, independent human beings with their OWN needs, Is an art.
It is an art many of us have had to begin learning as adults in a confusing landscape of communal disconnection, mixed messages, marketing buzzwords and spiritual bypass. But we don't need to pretend that we don't have needs. It's time to stop invalidating ourselves or others in the name of ideology.