Wherever she treads on those fringes of town that encompass her fear – there, it comes upon her; and there: a mean, green shed; gray-roofed; opaque-windowed; its doors semi-ajar – like trappers’ arms.
Then, it is in her backyard: hard by the washing line, the play square, the kitchen. And then, it becomes the bedroom: the narrowing, gray-green walls pinching the dregs of childhood.
Whenever she hears his drunken steps on the stair – fear plunges her into a numbness…. She attempts to scream at her lockless door – but the larynx goes cold….
Sick Mother lives on pilules and elixirs; is enclosed in a world of sorrows kept hot; of simmering denial. Such helplessness binds her daughter as fast as Father’s abuse.
Night after night, she etches “Liar! Guilty!” on the bruised heart….
Just once, looking in the glass, the girl acknowledges her pair of wigs – blond basins trapping her spring of hair: which she imagines long as a wand, full as a curtain; free … freer than a mountain wind.
JENNY JOHNSON (the poetry name of Jenny Harrower)
NOTES ON MY POEM “BREAKING FREE”
This poem is based on one of my vivid dreams. The subject matter is child sexual abuse, with a hint at the end of the narrator’s longing to be emotionally free.
There is one aspect of my dream that at first puzzled me: that image of a “pair of wigs” – yes, “wigs”, not “wings”!
One wig was pulled off, revealing its duplicate underneath. I now realise that this symbol represents a coping mechanism: a double insurance against damage and pain, both physical and emotional.
“Breaking Free” can be found on page 33 of my book, Selected Poems: Revised & New, which was published by Brimstone Press in 2013.
JENNY JOHNSON
Stefan Freedman’s comments:
One challenge shared by almost all who live with a trauma legacy is deep chronic shame. A feeling of being unworthy, unclean or ‘never enough’.
This is a permanent dark cloud obscuring all opportunities to get close to others, to succeed or to feel carefree.
Though a trauma victim usually has no power, they feel personally complicit. Why?
One theory is that guilt and shame are survival skills.
This is because a young infant can live through dangerous parenting only if they sublimate their anger and accept the scapegoat role they are presented with. (credit to Janina Fisher, Ph.D)
Jenny’s writing shows how rape-related terror occurs not only during abusive times, but living in fear every day, not knowing when the next intrusion will occur.
The mother’s denial and retreat from responsibility intensifies the paralysis of the girl’s silent scream, as she endures a waking nightmare.
I am grateful for Jenny’s powerful poem which vividly opens up the important topic of child rape.
Readers are welcome to send comments. Let us know please if you prefer these to be published anonymously, or with your name credited.
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